Teaching Kids to Share with Kate Eshleman, PsyD

Podcast Transcript

John Horton:

Hello and welcome to another Health Essentials Podcast. I'm John Horton, your host.

If there's one word that kids learn early, it's “mine.” They use the word forcefully to claim possession of toys, snacks, books, games and anything else clutched in their itty-bitty hands. That's why convincing a toddler or a young child to share isn't always easy. But as we all know, sharing is a social skill that kids need as they start having play dates or going to school. Pediatric psychologist Kate Eshleman is with us today to offer tips that may help your tiny tot take that developmental step. Dr. Eshleman is one of the many experts at Cleveland Clinic who pop into our weekly podcast to chat about issues that matter to your family. So with that, let's get started on teaching kids to share before someone's feelings get hurt.

Dr. Eshleman, thanks so much for stopping by to chat. It's great to have you back on the podcast.

Dr. Kate Eshleman:

I'm happy to be here and share some time with you.

John Horton:

Oh, I like what you did there, and I got to start with a funny story. So I happened to be with my grandkids when I started doing some background research for our chat, and there are two of them, and they had one cool little flying drone to play with... I think you know where things went from there.

Dr. Kate Eshleman:

Sharing is a concept that's hard to develop, even for adults when we look at it.

John Horton:

Well, so let's break down this whole sharing issue, starting with a basic question: Why do kids — and let's be honest, some adults — naturally struggle with the idea of it?

Dr. Kate Eshleman:

Sure. And it really is a pretty controversial topic these days, but when we look at sharing, there's an age at which it becomes possible. So kids really, earlier than about 3, one, probably don't have very strong feelings about something that they may decide that they don't wish to share it or not, but they also can't really wrap their heads around the concept of sharing and turn-taking. But it's very hard. We all want what we want when we want it, and so our ability to let that go at times can be very difficult. And as you said, not just for children but for adults as well.

John Horton:

Well, and it seems like this is just a basic learning developmental step that kids need to go through to grasp a whole bunch of different concepts on ownership, boundaries, independence, just all of that, right?

Dr. Kate Eshleman:

Absolutely. And these are really important concepts that are important to develop in childhood that last throughout adulthood. And so part of it is kind of, I think, rooted in kindness. And as parents, we all want our kids to be kind, and there's ways to be kind that may or may not include sharing. And there's ways to develop those skills that you described that may or may not include sharing.

John Horton:

In your view, how important is learning to share for children?

Dr. Kate Eshleman:

I think it's really important to encourage sharing and to help kids understand why it's important, but there's really a lot of back and forth about how important is it to let someone else play with your favorite toy or how important is it to make sure that we all get equal time on the swing. And I, actually, am not sure that there's a very specific or steadfast answer about that. I think it's, again, looking at those skills. How do we approach those interactions? How do we demonstrate kind, assertiveness and boundaries? And so part of that is with sharing, but it's not a very clear-cut answer.

John Horton:

Well, and that's what makes this whole concept of sharing so interesting because there are so many nuances to it. I mean, like you said, there's a favorite toy or something that's really special or breakable, especially when they're little. Those are things that you might want to have some boundaries on with sharing.

Dr. Kate Eshleman:

Absolutely. If there is something that's very important and you know that there's going to be other kids around, maybe we put that away. So maybe it's not important to share every single thing that we have, but to, again, help kids understand that if you have someone over or if you're having a play date or going to someone else's home, that those things don't just belong to one person or that if you go there and you can't play with those things, it's not going to be very fun. So we help develop that, again, perspective, taking, and some of that empathy to help the kids understand how it would feel in that situation.

John Horton:

It does seem like parents play a very central role in how kids learn the skill. So as a parent or a caregiver, what can we do to help kids embrace the idea of sharing?

Dr. Kate Eshleman:

Sure. I think there's a couple of things, including modeling. So when we show our kids that we share with other people, and that could be letting your child use your phone when asked or have a drink of your water. So modeling the behavior. And then also using what we call very specific labeled praise. So when you catch a child doing good, if you see them sharing, you give them very specific positive feedback on that so that they know that that makes you happy. And then, I think you also can promote that perspective taking where you point out how happy little Molly seemed when you let her play with your ball. And so helping understand that perspective as well.

John Horton:

What about forcing kids to share? Because that's something, I think, parents struggle with, like where the line is there. You want to encourage it, but you don't want to just demand it either.

Dr. Kate Eshleman:

I think that's a really important part and I think it's really shifted over time that this concept of really — we did previously try and force kids to share — but I think, just as you said, really focusing on more encouraging it, talking about the benefits, helping kids understand why it's important. But I don't think we go so far as to really take things away from kids and give them to someone else. That creates a lot of distress and really does the opposite of helping them feel good about sharing. It makes them feel like sharing is bad, it makes me feel bad — I don't like it. And that's not a feeling or a system we want to really reinforce.

John Horton:

I take it this is one of those concepts that you can have a conversation with your kid about and really talk about why you share and empathy and just how you can make somebody else that you're a friend with feel a little better.

Dr. Kate Eshleman:

Absolutely. And we want to talk with the kids about those things. It's also important to keep in mind their developmental age, and so young kids aren't necessarily going to understand that, or at least not in those words. So we do want to start those conversations and help them understand that and try not to feel frustrated when they don't automatically change their behavior to what we want them to do.

John Horton:

Now, you had mentioned age 3 earlier. Is there a certain age where kids typically start to gain a better understanding of sharing?

Dr. Kate Eshleman:

I think that, again, beyond the age of 3, it starts to get easier, but not always easy. I think kids themselves start to internalize or understand the benefits of doing so. Again, if we look at having a play date over, spending time with cousins, you want your friends to be there and to engage in activities with you and you realize it's not very fun when you won't let them play with your things. I think also, as kids get older, they tend to have more shared interest in activities and become more engaged in cooperative activities like shooting baskets or playing catch. It automatically involves using the same ball with other people. And so part of that develops as our interest in activities changes over time.

John Horton:

Now, when you have one of those situations with your friends over or cousins over and that situation comes up where there's a sharing opportunity, and maybe your child doesn't take it, when should you have that talk with them? I mean, in the moment, a little bit afterward, how do you approach that?

Dr. Kate Eshleman:

At times, it depends on the situation. I think in general, if an adult can stay out of it, that's better because then, the kids are developing those problem-solving skills and learning to collaborate and cooperate and figure it out themselves, which is really the goal. I think the time, if you needed to intervene, is if they start throwing punches or throwing the ball at each other — we want everyone to be safe. But short of that situation, trying to stay out of it and then circling back with the child later, "I heard you guys arguing up there, what was going on? How could we do that differently?" Talking through it after the fact.

John Horton:

You're bringing up some memories. I had more than a few refereeing moments while my kids were growing up.

Dr. Kate Eshleman:

And again, I think as parents, we want our kids to be kind and happy and healthy, and sharing is part of that, but it is very hard to do. And I think when we look as we get older, how often really do you share your things? You may let somebody borrow your phone, but not for the most part, right? You're not handing out your supplies at work, you're not sharing your customers or your clients in sales. So it's a skill we want to focus on, but it's also important to remember that it's hard even for many adults.

John Horton:

If your kiddo really seems to struggle with this whole idea of sharing, what can you do to help them get past their hesitancy?

Dr. Kate Eshleman:

I think part of it is practice, and so putting your child in situations in which sharing is expected. And I think maybe framing that and creating those situations. So, for example, in our neighborhood, we have a park, Turtle Park, where all the toys are just donated from families. But when you go to a playground, all of that equipment is meant to be shared. None of it is mine or yours. And so putting them in opportunities where sharing and turn-taking is expected.

Maybe for a family event when the cousins are going to be around, you get activities, sidewalk chalk or a hula-hoop that, again, is meant to be shared. And then, we practice that and doing so in a positive atmosphere.

John Horton:

And that's a nice thing. You said the sidewalk chalk, everybody can maybe have a stick of chalk and you can switch colors around here and there.

Dr. Kate Eshleman:

Exactly.

John Horton:

And just everybody's happy, ideally.

Dr. Kate Eshleman:

Well, that's the goal. Yeah, that's the goal.

John Horton:

Now refusing to share, I know a lot of people view that as a selfish action. Is that too simplistic of an explanation when it comes to children?

Dr. Kate Eshleman:

It is too simplistic. Again, I think because the assumption or the opposite of that is that everyone shares all the time. And if you don't, you're selfish and bad. And again, that's not true. And we have a whole range of kids that have a whole range of temperaments. And so certainly, you're going to have a child who is willing to give up their activity to the next person. And that's wonderful. And it doesn't mean that the child who is not like that is selfish, it just means that they're having a harder time, one, giving up the activity that they're enjoying and understanding that perspective and having that empathy or sympathy for the kids on the other side on the ball, but it doesn't mean that they're selfish.

John Horton:

Well, and we had mentioned those nuances, too, and I think this is where that comes in. As kids get older, the idea of sharing becomes a little more complex. It sounds like it's an ever-evolving thing and there's just continually lessons to be learned.

Dr. Kate Eshleman:

That's absolutely right. And I think when we look at nuances, you may have a child who's willing to share with a friend but not their younger sibling, or they'll share with their friend, but not their friend's sibling. So there are complexities to the situation that we definitely want to consider and keep in mind.

John Horton:

And I mean, do you want to reinforce to the kids that there are times when it's OK not to share?

Dr. Kate Eshleman:

Absolutely. I think, again, our goal is to help a child develop good, broad social skills. And so there are times when politely communicating with a child is an effective social skill. Setting some boundaries, being assertive in their boundaries and their expectations, that's also a good social skill. So we want to, again, develop that kind child, but those strategies can be both kind to the other child and to our own child themselves.

John Horton:

Well, and when we started, you said that there is a little bit of a debate about how you do sharing and how important it is in that. Is that where this kind of comes in?

Dr. Kate Eshleman:

It absolutely is. I think you're going to find people who say, yes, you really should encourage your child to share, and then I think you're going to find people who say it's perfectly acceptable not to. And when I say “people,” I think those people are experts. If you look at the literature, you're going to see both sides of the coin. And so I think a lot of it is looking at what's important in your family — the temperament of your child — and how, again, what is the goal to develop this kind child and what does that look like in your child and in your family?

John Horton:

And I think that's something people struggle with so much because you like these sorts of things to be black and white. Yes, it's good. No, it's bad. But there's a lot of gray in this, and it sounds like that's where some of the controversy comes in as to when you really encourage the sharing and kind of say, Hey, this is when you need to do it.

Dr. Kate Eshleman:

Absolutely. And I think to your point, I mean, parenting is hard, and there are many books out there, but they're all going to say something different. So even if sharing is included in these parenting manuals, you're going to get different information from different experts and that makes it hard to navigate.

John Horton:

Well, Dr. Eshleman, you've given us some great tips today as far as teaching kids how to share. And to be honest, I may have to invite you over the next time my grandkids are around. But before we part ways, though, is there anything else you'd like to add on the topic of sharing in kids?

Dr. Kate Eshleman:

Yeah, again, I think just to emphasize that it is an important skill, but it's one of many. And so our goal is to develop these kids that are strong and healthy and happy, and sharing is probably going to be a part of that along the way. It's also really important to remember that if your child is not sharing as a toddler, it doesn't mean that they're not going to go on to be a happy, healthy, successful adult.

John Horton:

And I'll add, the one thing you kept saying repeatedly throughout this was just to teach your child to be kind.

Dr. Kate Eshleman:

I think it's a good lesson for all of us.

John Horton:

It definitely is, and I think we can all agree the world would be a better place. Thank you very much for coming in today and always appreciate your time.

Dr. Kate Eshleman:

Happy to be here. Thanks for having me.

John Horton:

Despite what it may feel like at times, sharing is a skill that children will learn as they grow up, and it's a trait they'll carry throughout life. Be patient as they take that developmental step and do your best to lead by example.

If you liked what you heard today, please hit the subscribe button and leave a comment to share your thoughts. Until next time, be well.

Speaker 3:

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