Separation Anxiety in Babies

What is separation anxiety in babies?

Separation anxiety is when your infant or toddler cries or gets upset when you leave their presence. It’s a normal developmental stage that typically begins at age 6 to 12 months and goes away by around age 3. This is because when babies are little, they don’t get that something can still be there even if they can’t see it. But as your child gets older, they start to understand that the separation is just temporary, and you’ll return.

When you’re trying to pry your toddler from your ankle so you can leave for work, it’s easy to lose patience. But remember this is just a phase. And it’s actually a sign that you’ve formed a close bond. It just takes some time for your child to move past this stage. While these moments can be stressful for both you and your child, establishing quick good-bye rituals and telling your child what to expect (like when you’ll return) can ease the pain of these separations.

It’s important to know that separation anxiety isn’t the same as stranger anxiety, even though they can be similar. Stranger anxiety is when a child feels scared or uncomfortable around people they don't know and is a sign of normal development.

What does separation anxiety in babies look like?

Separation anxiety in infants and toddlers involves:

• Crying or fussing when you go in another room or leave their line of sight.
• Screaming or having a tantrum upon separation.
• Clinging to you or refusing to let you go.
• Crying when you drop them off at daycare or someone’s home.
• Wanting you next to them when they fall asleep.

These behaviors typically go away by around age 2 or 3. Every child is different, and your child may need a little more time to grow out of this phase.

When is separation anxiety abnormal?

Separation anxiety is abnormal if it persists once your child starts preschool, and especially if it interferes with their ability to go to or stay at school. Separation anxiety that persists beyond age 3 may be a sign of separation anxiety disorder. This is separation-related distress that’s not developmentally appropriate for your child’s age and could interfere with their mental and social health.

It’s normal for kids to have brief moments of separation anxiety when they’re in new situations. For example, your child might not want to leave you on their first day at a new school. They might cling or cry and seem very upset. But after a day or two, they should adjust and no longer display these behaviors. If the anxiety persists day after day, week after week, it could be a sign of separation anxiety disorder.

If your child is over age 3 and experiencing significant distress over separations, it’s a good idea to reach out to your pediatrician. Tell them what you notice, including anything your child says to you related to the idea of separation. Your pediatrician can help you sort out what’s going on and, if necessary, recommend treatment.

Why does my baby cry every time I leave?

Separation anxiety happens because your baby feels unsafe without you close by. Infants and toddlers rely on their caregivers for a sense of safety and security. Babies are also still learning the idea of object permanence. This is the understanding that things and people still exist even when they’re not seen or heard. So, your baby gets upset because you’re not nearby (which makes them feel unsafe) and they don’t fully understand that you’ll be back.

How to deal with separation anxiety

You can manage separation anxiety on your own by keeping goodbyes short and sweet and making other simple adjustments to your routine. This helps keep things predictable and makes it easy for your child to know that you’ll return. Your child will calm down a little while after you leave and be just fine in your absence.

You can also lay the groundwork for successful separations by:

• Easing the transition to a new caregiver. Is there a new babysitter on deck? Before they step up to the plate, let your child grow more comfortable with their presence. You can do this by spending time together as a group once or twice. This can help your child feel more at ease when you step away and let the caregiver take over.
• Doing trial runs. Before you leave your toddler with the sitter for an entire day, try leaving them for just an hour or two. Even if you don’t have somewhere to be — make it a point to go and do something for yourself. This gives you some self-care time (which you deserve!) while also allowing your child to start adjusting to separation.
• Establishing a routine and sticking with it. Tell your child when they’ll see you again and keep your word (to the extent possible). The more your child can trust you’ll return when you say you will, the more comfortable they’ll feel with goodbyes. It can also help to use language your child understands. They may not know the hours on the clock yet, but they can understand things like “after your nap.” Communicating directly about your plans lets your child know separations are normal and nothing to fear.

A note from Cleveland Clinic

Seeing your baby in distress can feel unbearable. It’s even harder when you feel like you’re the reason they’re upset. When it comes to separation anxiety, know this: it’s not your fault. The crying and clinging are normal behaviors in infants and toddlers. You shouldn’t feel guilty about leaving to go to work or even just taking a shower. Your child will calm down in a bit and soon get used to you coming and going.

If your child is in preschool (or older) and routinely feels distress when apart from you, tell your pediatrician. This could be a sign of separation anxiety disorder, which gets better with treatment.