Temper Tantrums

What is a temper tantrum?

A temper tantrum is when a child has an outburst of anger and frustration. Tantrums can be physical, verbal or both. Your child might cry, whine, yell, stamp their feet, act out or otherwise be disruptive.

Tantrums are a normal part of child development. They’re most common in toddlers but in some kids they last longer into childhood. To adults, they can often seem like kids are making a big deal out of nothing. For example, your child thrashes, yells or hits when you ask them to put away a toy or tell them they can’t have a treat. But what’s usually going on when a child throws a tantrum is that they can’t express their thoughts or emotions with words.

What causes temper tantrums?

Toddlers often throw temper tantrums because of the conflict they feel. They want to be independent. But they still need help sometimes, and they still want their parents’ attention. They haven’t developed coping skills to deal with strong emotions or disappointments. And they often don’t have the words to explain how they feel, so they act out instead.

Specifically, kids might throw a temper tantrum if they’re:

• Frustrated
• Hungry
• Tired
• Seeking attention
• Not getting something they want (such as a treat or toy)
• Avoiding doing something (such as cleaning up or leaving the park)

What are the signs of a temper tantrum?

During a temper tantrum, your child may:

• Whine, cry or yell
• Kick or hit
• Flail their arms and legs
• Fall to the floor
• Hold their breath
• Stamp their feet
• Pull or push
• Tense their body or go limp
• Run away
• Throw things or knock things over

How to handle temper tantrums

There are some strategies you can try to help diffuse a tantrum:

• Find a distraction: If you sense a tantrum starting, but it hasn’t become a full-blown outburst, try to distract or redirect your child. Point out something interesting or engage them in an activity.
• Stay calm: If your child is mid-tantrum, don’t threaten, lecture or argue with them. It could make the tantrum worse. Later, when your child is quiet and calm, talk to them about their earlier behavior.
• Ignore the tantrum: This shows your child that a tantrum is unacceptable and won’t get them what they want.
• Keep them safe: Remove any dangerous objects near your child. If you’re in the middle of a store or other public place, make sure you can see your child (and they can see you) at all times.

If you think your child might hurt themselves or other people, get them to a safe place, away from others. Consider holding them so they don’t hurt themselves. Use a “time-out” if necessary, placing them in a room away from TV and other distractions.

Try not to:

• Give in or change your mind: If you do that, kids learn that tantrums help them get what they want.
• Hit, bite or kick back: You may think this teaches them that these actions hurt. But the opposite often happens — they may think it’s OK because a parent is doing it. Instead, make it clear that they’re doing something hurtful, and it’s not allowed.

What should I do after the temper tantrum?

Once the tantrum is over, talk to your child about what happened and how they can stop tantrums from happening again. Try to:

• Offer praise for calming down: Reinforce your child’s positive behavior and good choices. Be as specific as possible. Instead of, “You were so good,” say, “You did a great job using your inside voice in the store.” These statements help your child know what behaviors are expected and acceptable.
• Acknowledge their feelings: Let your child know you understand their frustrations. Offer to help. Often, children are seeking attention or validation, so acknowledging them can help them feel better.
• Teach your child to label emotions: Children often don’t have the words to describe their frustration, jealousy, anger or disappointment. Give them words to express themselves: “I see you’re angry now. You’re crying, and your face is red.”
• Work with your child to manage strong emotions: Help them figure out how to deal with a problem without getting upset. They’ll learn they can solve some of their problems themselves. They’ll become more independent and less prone to tantrums.
• Set a good example: Kids look up to their parents and learn from their behavior. Model healthy strategies when you’re upset or frustrated. Your child will start to copy your behavior.

How can I prevent temper tantrums?

It’s unlikely you’ll be able to prevent every tantrum. They’re part of how kids communicate and a natural part of development. But a few strategies might help your child have fewer or milder tantrums:

• Address the cause of tantrums. If you know you’ll be in a situation that might cause a tantrum, talk to them about it in advance. For example: “I’d love to play this game with you. Remember that we’ll work together to clean it up and put it away when we’re done.”
• Let them choose, within reason. For example, they can choose between two outfits or two snacks. Being able to choose helps your child feel in control. Make sure to let them choose between two things you’re OK with. Don’t give them false hope.
• Prepare them for changes. Transitions, like leaving the house or the playground, can be tough for kids. Try to give them some warning so they’re ready for it. And bigger changes need more preparation. For example, if a new sibling is coming or you’re moving, talk to your child about it often and well before it happens.
• Make sure they get enough rest and food. Sometimes, irritability from lack of sleep or nutrition can lead to tantrums. Make sure your child eats a variety of foods and gets enough sleep.

At what age do tantrums go away?

Kids most often have tantrums between ages 1 and 4. They usually start to have fewer tantrums when they start school. This is when they start talking more and can more easily express their thoughts and feelings.

When should I worry about toddler tantrums?

Sometimes, tantrums are a sign of other issues. Contact your child’s healthcare provider about temper tantrums if:

• They continue or get worse after age 4
• They’re violent
• They last longer than 15 minutes at a time
• Your child has multiple tantrums per day
• Your child hurts themselves or someone else, or damages property during a tantrum
• Your child holds their breath during a tantrum (and especially if they faint)
• Your child has headaches, stomachaches or anxiety
• You feel frustrated and unsure of how to handle the tantrums safely

Your provider may ask you questions about the tantrums. These questions can help them figure out if there’s cause for concern:

• When do the tantrums occur?
• What’s usually happening right before the tantrum?
• What does your child do during the tantrum?
• How long does the tantrum last?
• How do you react to the tantrum?
• How is your child behaving between tantrums?
• Have there been recent changes at home or school?
• Did something upsetting happen to your child or another family member?
• Does your child have any other issues that may affect them, such as a sleep disorder or behavioral disorder?

If my child throws a tantrum, does that mean I’m a bad parent?

Temper tantrums don’t mean poor parenting. They’re a normal part of child development. Kids tend to have them as they learn to become more independent. Your child might have them more or less frequently depending on their personality.