Is a Child’s Imaginary Friend a Real Concern? with Kate Eshleman, PsyD

Podcast Transcript

John Horton:

Hey there, and welcome to another Health Essentials Podcast. I'm John Horton, your host.

Learning how to make friends is part of childhood, and for some kids, it involves a bit of imagination. Nearly 2 out of 3 children hang out with an imaginary friend while growing up. Some kids even carry on that relationship into their teen years. It's all perfectly normal, but that doesn't mean parents don't worry about it. So today, we're going to talk to pediatric psychologist Kate Eshleman about imaginary friends and why they exist in the minds of children. Dr. Eshleman is one of the many experts at Cleveland Clinic who pop into our weekly podcast to chat about issues common in so many of our households. Now, let's see what she has to say about the elephant that might be in the room.

Welcome back to the podcast, Dr. Eshleman. I always know we're in for a fascinating discussion when your name pops up on the guest list.

Dr. Kate Eshleman:

I'm so happy to be here and to talk about such a fun topic.

John Horton:

And I got to tell you, prepping for the show really brought up some memories for me. When my daughter was little, she used to talk about a purple puppy following her around the house, and the bowls of water that she left all over the floor certainly made her imaginary friend feel very real to us.

Dr. Kate Eshleman:

I think many people have had experiences with these imaginary friends. I'm not sure they've all had such creative names as Purple Puppy.

John Horton:

Purple Puppy was around for a while. It was a lot of fun.

So many, many years ago, kids playing with imaginary companions was viewed as a warning sign of a potential mental health issue. That take seems a little dated at this point.

Dr. Kate Eshleman:

It is. At this time, there's no concern for kids having an imaginary friend being a sign of anything other than the child having someone extra to play with that we may not be able to see.

John Horton:

Well, and it's actually considered now a healthy part of growing up, right?

Dr. Kate Eshleman:

It is. Kids develop imagination at an early age, and I'm always cautious because we don't want to suggest that kids who don't have imaginary friends are atypical. But kids develop imagination at an early age, and this is just one way that they express that creativity.

John Horton:

Well, and they do get very creative with it, but they get some other skills, too. These imaginary friends almost help guide them as they grow up.

Dr. Kate Eshleman:

Sure. When kids are engaging with their imaginary friends, they're demonstrating and practicing good play skills, good social skills, perspective-taking and turn-taking. It's the best-case scenario of a friendship or relationship.

John Horton:

Well, they never argue back. That's nice.

Dr. Kate Eshleman:

That's right. And there is some evidence that with the younger kids, that they get to be in charge. When we think about little kids, we're always telling them what to do. It's very rare that they get to really make choices. Sometimes, they get fixed choices. Do you want the red shirt or the blue shirt? But they don't get to be fully in charge of their lives, and this is an opportunity to do just that. It really sounds quite nice, actually.

John Horton:

So what prompts kids to develop these imaginary friends?

Dr. Kate Eshleman:

There's not a specific thing. So when kids are young, again, when they're developing their imaginations, this is one way to be creative. So whether they express that through arts and crafts or jewelry making or other imaginary play, it's just a way of doing so. And so, many kids, they're just looking for another pal to have on hand.

John Horton:

Now, what role can an imaginary friend play for your child?

Dr. Kate Eshleman:

It could be good company. It could be someone to talk to when you're feeling a little lonely or bored, somebody to keep you company at nighttime when it's time to go to bed or when the weather's bad and there's a storm. Someone just to be a good company, to be around and to play with and keep you occupied.

John Horton:

Do kids even use imaginary friends to problem-solve?

Dr. Kate Eshleman:

They certainly can. You can talk through and practice through scenarios with your imaginary friend. A child can act out the different options and pick the one that seems best and use that one going forward.

John Horton:

And what about even exploring new concepts and new ideas? I mean, can an imaginary friend guide them to a lot of that?

Dr. Kate Eshleman:

It gives them practice to do so. So you can ask about a new hairstyle, new play space, new clothes. It's also important to recognize that that's filtered through the child's own perception of those things they're trialing out. So it does give them practice of trying out those things through their own lens.

John Horton:

Now, is there a standard definition as to what an imaginary friend is, or can it literally be anything a child dreams up?

Dr. Kate Eshleman:

It really can be anything. I think, oftentimes, they're perceived as being people or animals, but you think back to a pet rock or recently, my daughter came home with a bunch of very small white balloons that she's named them all Bob. So really they can take any shape.

John Horton:

Bob the Balloon, I like that.

Dr. Kate Eshleman:

Bob the Balloon, very similar to Purple Puppy.

John Horton:

Colors seem to be a big part of these imaginary beings.

Dr. Kate Eshleman:

Well, when you think about it, the age of development, when kids are typically coming up with these friends, those are the concepts they're learning. You learn your colors. You learn your animals. You learn your body parts. So really, as the kids are developing their imagination, they're applying the concepts that they're learning to these buddies of theirs.

John Horton:

Are there certain kids that are more likely to have imaginary friends?

Dr. Kate Eshleman:

It doesn't really seem so. We think that the younger a child is, 3, 4, 5 is the typical age, 4 or 5 probably is the typical age … I haven't seen any evidence related to gender. One piece that I saw that was actually understudied is the presence of these in kids that have developmental disabilities or autism spectrum disorders. But as far as I can tell, there's not an age or a child that's more likely to have it than not.

John Horton:

Is there an age where that imaginary friend should sort of leave, where you want them to part ways?

Dr. Kate Eshleman:

I think in terms of the “should,” we look at impact on functioning. So when we look at an imaginary friend, oftentimes, they are gone probably starting around the age of 7 or 8, probably 9 or a little older. What's not clear is if the imaginary friends are truly gone or if the kids just develop social awareness to not talk about it. The other thing that's happening around that time is that kids are having more consistent social interactions with people, real people, and so they may not need their imaginary friend as much.

John Horton:

Dr. Eshleman, it seems that a lot of parents worry that the appearance of an imaginary friend signals that their child is lonely or stressed. Is there any truth to that?

Dr. Kate Eshleman:

No. We know, as parents, we worry about a lot of things, but the presence of an imaginary friend is nothing to be concerned about. And again, it probably demonstrates positive attributes of the child, the creativity, the resilience. So there's probably more positive attributes attributed to having an imaginary friend, but really nothing at baseline for parents to be concerned about.

John Horton:

Are there times when a parent should be worried about an imaginary friend?

Dr. Kate Eshleman:

I think that the things that parents want to be mindful of are always, if you see a change in behavior. So something about the child's behavior changes and they're attributing that to the imaginary friend, we'd want to investigate that more. Certainly, if the imaginary friend is telling the child to do things that are not safe or encouraging them to make bad choices, those are things that we'd want to look at a little bit more closely. Not automatically problematic, but investigate a little bit more.

John Horton:

Yeah, if they start putting bad ideas in their head, it might be time to have a discussion about that relationship.

Dr. Kate Eshleman:

That's right.

John Horton:

So what tips do you have for parents living with their kid's imaginary friend in the house?

Dr. Kate Eshleman:

Yeah. I think — and this applies to many things — but approach it with curiosity. It's a great opportunity to engage your child and get them to speak with you about something. So ask questions about the friend as if it were a real friend. Engage. Just like if you play dolls with your children or cars, you can engage and play with the child around this as well. Embrace it as a positive thing and try not to let it worry or stress you out.

John Horton:

How far can you go with it? Can you even get to the point where you set a spot at the table for the IF?

Dr. Kate Eshleman:

Yeah. I think part of that is a personal choice, how comfortable you feel as a family. But I think a good rule of thumb is having the same expectations for the imaginary friend as that you have for the people in your house. So sure, feel free to set out bowls of water or set a plate at the table, but don't go out of your way making special meals or buying expensive dog food.

John Horton:

We did not buy Purple Puppy any dog food. We figured that they could handle imaginary food, too.

Dr. Kate Eshleman:

Yes. They do tend to be relatively low maintenance and low cost, hopefully.

John Horton:

And maybe this is hopeful, but can you also, as a parent, count on an imaginary friend to keep your kid occupied from time to time? It might just give you that few minutes you need to fold the load.

Dr. Kate Eshleman:

It is certainly a possibility when kids have these imaginary friends that they do spend time playing with them. And so that is certainly something you can encourage your child to do, is, “Go play with Bob while I'm folding this laundry and I'll be back in a few minutes.”

John Horton:

If only the imaginary friend could answer all those why questions, they'd be perfect.

Dr. Kate Eshleman:

That's right. And actually, if Bob could fold the laundry, I'd rather play with the kid while the imaginary friend is doing the work.

John Horton:

Dr. Eshleman, I have to be honest, after all this talk about imaginary friends, I'm starting to miss a Purple Puppy. So before I head to the kitchen and set out a bowl of water for old time's sake, do you have anything else to add about kids and their imaginary friends?

Dr. Kate Eshleman:

I think, again, just embrace them. Take the opportunity to engage with your child about it. Welcome the imaginary friend into the home unless he starts causing trouble. And if you have any questions or concerns, always reach out to someone. Talk to your pediatrician, talk to your friends who are parents. Get additional information if you have concerns about what's going on.

John Horton:

That's great advice, Dr. Eshleman. Thank you very much for coming in today and make sure to say hello to Bob for me.

Dr. Kate Eshleman:

I will do that.

John Horton:

We can't see them, of course, but imaginary friends are tagging along with kids all around us. Consider it a wonderful and whimsical part of childhood and a mental exercise that can bring real benefits. Just watch out for water bowls left out if that imaginary friend is a puppy.

If you liked what you heard today, please hit the subscribe button and leave a comment to share your thoughts. Until next time, be well.

Speaker 3:

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