What is family violence?
Family violence is a situation in which one family member causes physical or emotional harm to another family member. At the center of this violence is the abuser's need to gain power and control over the victim. Abuse can be:
- Physical, such as slapping, hitting, kicking, punching, or burning
- Emotional, such as threats, harassment, and insults
- Sexual, such as incest or rape
There are many ways that the abuser tears down the victim's sense of power and security. The abuser may use:
Threats
- Physical harm
- Cutting off financial support
- Harm to children
- Suicide
Isolation
- Controlling who the victim sees and talks to
- Controlling when the victim can leave the house
- Not allowing the victim to work
- Using jealousy as an excuse for abuse
- Injuring relationships with family and friends
Verbal abuse
- Insults
- Mind games
- Name calling
Intimidation
- Abusing pets
- Displaying weapons
- Smashing objects
- Threatening looks, actions, gestures
The cycle of abuse
Abuse follows a cycle that has three stages:
- Stage One -- Tensions build
- Stage Two -- Abuse takes place
- Stage Three -- Abuser feels remorse
Stage three is when the victim has the most control. But as the cycle repeats itself, the abuser often feels less and less remorse. Abuse tends to become more severe. If you have experienced one episode of abuse, there is a good chance that abuse will take place again.
Victims often go through five to seven episodes of abuse before they seek help or leave the relationship. The longer the abuse continues, the more difficult it often becomes for the victim to leave.
Myths and the facts about family violence
Myth: Family violence occurs more often among people from poor urban neighborhoods.
Fact: Family violence occurs in all social and cultural groups.
Myth: Abuse happens when the abuser is out of control.
Fact: Abuse is a form of control.
Myth: You can tell abusers by how they act.
Fact: Many abusers show no signs of violent behavior when out of the home.
Myth: Abusers are drunks.
Fact: Many abusers do not drink alcohol or use drugs. People who drink abuse both when they are drunk and when they are not drunk.
Myth: There's no love in an abusive relationship.
Fact: The abusers and victim often share times of happiness.
Can my relationship be saved?
The abuser must enter counseling for the relationship to change. Abusive behavior comes from learned responses that are inappropriate and must be "unlearned."
Counseling programs for abusers are different from family or marriage counseling. They require the abuser to take full responsibility for his actions. They also focus on the victim's safety and well-being.
The most important thing that you can do is ensure your own safety and that of your children. This step often requires leaving the relationship.
How can I get help?
Call a local woman's shelter. Services provided by shelters include:
- Temporary, secure housing for you and your children
- Outreach services
- Crisis intervention and counseling
- Help with legal issues and the courts
- Referral to counseling services
- Follow-up services for women who leave the shelter
If you are thinking about leaving, The Center for the Prevention of Domestic Violence recommends following this action plan:
- Have a safety plan for how you and your children can get away quickly.
- Hide important items for easy access, including cash, extra house and car keys, extra clothing for you and your children, and copies of important documents and numbers, such as bank accounts, insurance policies, credit cards, phone numbers, your driver's license, and medical insurance card.
- Have a destination in mind.
- Tell a trusted friend about your plan.
Where can I get help?
24-Hour Domestic Violence Hotline: 1.800.799.SAFE (7233)
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This information is provided by the Cleveland Clinic and is not intended to replace the medical advice of your doctor or health care provider. Please consult your health care provider for advice about a specific medical condition. This document was last reviewed on: 2/3/2005...#4179
